WAHAT #7: Who Do You Trust?

An abstract, colorful, dynamic illustration of the complexities of trust, created by ChatGPT-4o

A Gratuitous Yet Contextually Relevant Opening Flashback

You may remember or have heard of Johnny Carson. He was known for decades as the king of late-night television. While he hosted “The Tonight Show,” he was reportedly single-handedly responsible for almost 20 percent of the annual revenue of his television network, the National Broadcasting Company, NBC.

Before getting that gig, though, Johnny Carson spent five years hosting one of the first TV game shows  I remember seeing as a young child. The show featured married couples being asked questions, and the husband deciding whether he or his wife would answer each one. (The show was originally called “Do You Trust Your Wife?” before someone decided “Who Do You Trust?” was less sexist, presumptuous, and off-putting. At least I  assume it was changed for reasons like those.)

Recent and current events have made questions of trust pretty popular, broadly and for many individuals across entire political, cultural, and economic spectra. So I figured I’d trust my instincts when they told me trust was worth exploring here.

Who to Trust? How to Decide? 

Challenges to getting trust right have bedeviled us likely since shortly after there was more than one human being on the planet. (See Adam & Eve v. Satan’s Serpent, Cain v. Abel.) Fables, jokes, and parables that center on and revolve around issues of trust abound across time and multiple cultures. But what are they trying to tell us?

I’m not familiar with every relevant fable, joke, and parable. But I’ve seen and heard enough to trust the validity of the following thoughts.

1. Trust is absolutely essential to human survival, individually and collectively.

2. Our desire to trust is easily manipulated, especially by those with agendas they believe we can somehow help move forward or impede.

3. Our trust can be betrayed at any time, by almost anyone–family, friend, stranger, even our very own selves.

4. Trust can be betrayed by commission, such as active lying, or omission, such as selective editing of shared information.

5. Learning how, what, when, and whom to trust is a lifelong process, and many, if not most, of the most important trust-related lessons we learn are all but guaranteed to hurt. Because the pain helps us remember. Sigh.

What we all need is the ability to make consistently good decisions about who and what to trust, and to learn enough from each trust-related encounter to get better at trusting as we stumble along. Because the only thing more maddening than making mistakes we know we knew enough to avoid is repeating those mistakes.

I have some ideas.

Dortch’s Recommendations for Deciding How, What, When, and Whom to Trust

• With people, believe what's before you. As the great Maya Angelou said in conversation with the marvelous Oprah Winfrey, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Also, pay attention to how children, companion animals, or both respond to the person. They are always right. Always. 

• With information, question everything and credibly validate all you can. Start with my “Recommendations for Vetting Reality” in “WAHAT #4: What Do You Know?” And remember Ronald Reagan’s favorite Russian proverb, whether he knew its origins or not: "Doveryai, no proveryai," or in English, “trust, but verify.”

• With everything you say, remember Rumi’s Three Gates. Before you say it, ask yourself, “Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?” If it doesn’t pass through all three successfully, pass on saying it until or unless you can rephrase it so it does. 

Trust: The Bottom Line

Ultimately, trust begins and ends with your relationship with yourself. Because you are always the final arbiter of who and what you decide to trust or mistrust. So you’ve got to trust your gut. But only if you and your gut have an open, honest, authentic relationship as validated by past shared experiences.

And here's the thing about that. Most of the time, most of us have some idea when we are considering, doing, or have done something that bends or skirts compliance with our sense of right and wrong. Including when we make decisions about who or what we trust or don’t. So our trust-related decisions are closely tied to another complex, fascinating area of nearly universal human behavior: ethics.

So I will conclude this post with my favorite quote about that closely related topic, attributed to Aldo Leopold, the “father of wildlife management” (!!). “Ethical behavior is doing the right thing when no one else is watching—even when doing the wrong thing is legal.”

I trust that some of you reading this have thoughts about trust at least as share-worthy as mine. I look forward to reading and hearing some of them soon.

Now What? Your Serve...

I am naively optimistic enough to believe there is value in trying to look at what I do, how I do it, and why I do it. Writing about things like those in this piece is part of that process. So to echo my  ABCs of human motivation, the achievement of writing and sharing these posts delivers the benefit of helping me crystallize some thoughts and feelings, and tighten up some of the internal connections linking my body, mind, and spirit.

This collection of thoughts and feelings also offers the promise of connection with others. That's where you come in. 

Your reactions eagerly sought and warmly welcomed. Feel free to leave your thoughts wherever you’re reading this if comments are supported, or to email me directly at medortch@dortchonit.com. I hope this begins some interesting conversational threads, excerpts and summaries of which I will gladly and gratefully share (anonymously or with attribution as you prefer) in future outings, several of which are already in various stages of construction.

Thanks for reading. Thanks again in advance if you share your reactions with me, share this post with others, or both. And please stay connected so we can continue and extend this emerging, evolving conversation.

We All Hunger and Thirst (WAHAT) is a series of pieces I’m writing and publishing to share things I’ve learned and foster connections and conversations about various elements of life and the world. Send your suggestions and reactions to me directly at medortch@dortchonit.com, and feel free to share what you’ve read with others. Thanks!